The Truth Behind Body Insecurities.

Wouldn't it be interesting to take a bit of advice from someone who truly embodies inner confidence - and is clearly at total peace with her physical form? That's exactly why I asked my dear friend Shelly Burton, an internationally acclaimed Energy Medicine Woman, to share her thoughts on all things "body image". Her answers are not simply personal reflections - they are practical steps to healing and owning more love for yourself. You're in for a treat with this read...

1. As a healer, what do you most often detect as the deep rooted reason behind most people's insecurities, as it relates to their physical bodies?

If we don’t feel accepted or loved for who we are, we look for reasons to explain why. In a consumer culture that bombards us of images of celebrities telling us what we are supposed to look like, and that sets unrealistic (and often unhealthy) beauty standards, it’s easy to look to our physical body to explain the reason why we don’t feel accepted or loved.

“If I just looked different, they would love or accept me.”

Often times this critical voice operates in the background, as the subconscious mind. Its thoughts are so automatic — running our decisions from behind the scenes — that we don’t even realize we are having them.

Being literally criticized for your appearance by your caregivers, friends or extended community, would only reinforce that if you looked different people would love you more. This conditioning can also be subtle. It can be learned when people compliment (or show love to) you more when you look a certain way. This can sound like “you look pretty today” when all dolled up, instead of “you are a beautiful person” — when dolled up and when you’re not. We are smart, and adapt our behaviour to secure more love. If we think altering our appearance will get us more love, we might start doing this in an attempt to meet our emotional needs. In this way, altering physical appearance is an attempt to find emotional security: stable access to love. Insecurity around the body or physical appearance simply reflects an experience growing up of not feeling stable acceptance as who we where, as we were, in our physical selves.

The truth is, your physical body or appearance isn’t the reason you didn’t feel enough love or acceptance. I’m really sorry that your experience growing up taught you this might be the case. I’m sorry the people around you didn’t know that they deserved love and acceptance as they were, and so unconsciously passed this pain or conditioning onto you.

Your body, and all aspects of you, are beautiful, and deserve love and acceptance as they are — equally, in all their forms.

2. How do we begin to love ourselves - our whole selves, including all of our "imperfections" in our physical forms?

We begin healing by claiming that we deserve love and acceptance, equally, in all our forms. The medicine is to live in alignment with this principle; to embody it.

In terms of an actual healing process, you can start with naming the emotion of insecurity or fear of that you won’t be loved or accepted by others, as you are. To know that it’s totally normal to have that fear, if you didn’t experience being loved and accepted as you were growing up. To know that it makes sense to fear that your body is the reason for a lack of love or acceptance, if you were taught to believe (through the media and/or comments on appearance) that you would receive more if you looked a certain way.

Next, deeply love, embrace and apologize to the part of you that didn’t learn that they deserved equal love and acceptance in all their forms. The medicine is to care deeply for the parts that experienced this lack.

Finally, return to the claim: I am equally loved and accepted, as I am, in all my forms.

For more on this process, stay tuned for self-healing courses through Empathy Heals: www.empathyheals.me

3. Have you ever struggled with body insecurities, and if so, what did you do to turn it around?

I have of course definitely struggled with body insecurities and was once on the pathway to an eating disorder. I lost a lot of weight in my second or third year of University after being on crutches, and suddenly the guys were paying a lot of attention to me. I became “hot” and could get the interest of the dreamiest men. I thought I needed to make sure I stayed super skinny and therefore “hot” to keep getting male attention.

For context, prior to this experience, I literally had no idea that I was pretty.

My eating got so controlled and minimal, that one time I was too dizzy to play in a varsity basketball game. I ran into a teammate when I was trying not to pass out, and clearly got pulled off for that. I knew what my performance problem was — not eating, but didn’t tell anyone. Following this embarrassment, I did make myself eat more… as playing well was important to me. It did, however, take a long time for the “controlled eating for skinnier appearance” to stop.

Ultimately, my controlled eating improved with feeling loved and accepted for who I was, feeling happy and belonging to community. A big part of my healing was developing true friendships with people that accepted me in all my forms. This grew my inner confidence. These friendships showed me I didn’t need to modify my external appearance to secure love, acceptance and connection. It made it ok to be myself, and take the masks down socially. From this inner confidence, healthy eating and staying fit was a personal choice from love for my beautiful body. It was not coming from a place of control in a desperate attempt secure love, connection or acceptance.

4. When you're feeling down on yourself, you know the best thing for you to do is…?

When you’re feeling down on yourself, know that it’s ok to feel sad. Let yourself have all the feelings. Healing starts with accepting and allowing ourselves to be where we are at. Know that you deserved to feel loved and cared for when you are sad.

Also know that feelings are temporary, and have reasons behind them. Emotions are responses to what we perceive is happening to us - through actual experience or thought. Maybe something sad did happen? Or maybe there was a self-critical thought that made you feel sad? Have gentleness here (this is a time for empathy, not going to war with yourself)!

The next step is to care about the part of yourself that is feeling sad (as deeply as you would for a little puppy that was sad).

A well-trained healer or therapist can hold space for you to understand your emotions, and learn to regulate them more easily. Emotional regulation is the crux of self-healing.

5. What’s one thing you wish every woman TRULY BELIEVED?

Spirit/God/the Universe loves you so completely and unconditionally that it wants the very best for you.

You have the power to break your conditioning and create a life that reflects this unconditional love of the Universe.

You are allowed to have unshakeable faith in the Universe.

And your sexual power is beautiful, sacred and deserves full expression and embrace.

Learn more about & connect with Shelly on her website + Instagram.